The one job that never ends. I remember finding out I was pregnant for the first time. I was 20 years old and absolutely not ready to be a mother. My husband also wasn’t ready and was so scared he shut down and didn’t talk for three days. We eventually got over the initial shock and started the journey of pregnancy. We fought through the hormones and the doctors visits. We laughed and cried as outwardly I could not longer hide the fact that I was having a baby. Then we felt him move for the first time. It was the most incredible thing I ever experienced. It finally began to feel real to me. He was born and it wasn’t an easy delivery and I fought through 40 hours of intense labor and a few hiccups during the process made us unsure of what was happening. Again, the fear of the unknown.
The first day coming through the door of our home with a new little baby boy. What do I do with this crying, wiggly little bundle. The fear again, that would come and go in between bouts of extreme exhaustion from lack of sleep. Each time I felt my anxiety grow all it took was looking in those beautiful little eyes and knowing he needed me and the worry would dissipate. Fast forward about 18 months later as we were looking down at a store bought pregnancy test. This time, I was the one who was scared. Could I raise two at the same time, and would the delivery be as painful. As I looked at my husband there was a calm that wasn’t there with our first one. This comforted me.
The boys grew….dirt happened, scuffed knees, messy rooms, sibling rivalries, friends, and church all that comes with the Life of Raising boys. The third little bundle arrived and I was a pro by then. Or so I thought. Teenagers happened, school hurts, uncertainty, SPORTS and SPORTs and more sports. Did I say Laundry…Lots and Lots of Laundry. Then the fulltime job of keeping them full. They Ate soooooooo much. How could three boys eat so much? I went back to work to pay for the food bill. Busyness happened and all of a sudden we were Planning Graduation parties, prepping for college. TEARS would fall constantly for a few years. Then the baby of the family moved out of the house. For a small time I felt like I had misplaced my heart. Maybe he packed it in one of his boxes. They still called from time to time and needed me to help. Maybe it was because they still weren’t quite ready to be on their own yet and experiencing what I felt years before. MISSING THEM.
Depression, sadness, QUIET. It was so quiet. I hated hearing my thoughts. My husband and I were lost and to be quite honest I’m not sure if we are quite out of that stage but we are trying. The boys found careers, and found LOVES which even though I loved the thought of having some girls in our lives for once and wonderful additions to our family. I had to let go and It broke my heart. I was their first Love and I would always be but for a long time I didn’t want to give that part of them away to anyone else.
Where am I now….I wish I could say that Im over all the grieving of the empty nesting time. I am sure that will come easier in the next few years. Hopefully when I can shower a grandchild with all the Love that I have saved up for them. But for now I am grateful for the amazing Life of Being a Mother was to me. It was my greatest privilege and greatest challenge all wrapped into one. I didn’t know I could pray so hard for anyone in my life.
The MOTHER-HOOD has made me strong, resilient, more stubborn, more of a fighter, more grace filled, more patient, more accepting, more loving , more compassionate and MORE ME than anything else in my life.
THIS IS MY GIFT THIS MOTHER’S DAY. GOD CHOSE ME TO BE THEIR MOTHER. I WILL ALWAYS BE THANKFUL.